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Friday, June 08, 2007

Somehow Different

Somehow Different

We become different from time to time to time. We become different every day in small ways with little apparent change from day to day, and then, boom! We are suddenly very different, and we wonder how we became so different. Yesterday we became very different again. How are we different now? How will we be different tomorrow or many more tomorrows later?

We hadn’t been sleeping again. Occasionally our chronic pain flairs up into an acute state and if it gets really bad we stop sleeping. It used to be that these flare-ups of acute pain would happen three or four times a year. Our pain killers are mostly ineffective and will often keep us awake for thirty hours or more at a stretch, so last year we completely stopped using our pain killers because the interference with our sleep was becoming more debilitating than our loss of sleep due to our pain.

We have had many episodes where we have had little or no sleep for two or three days. Major episodes where we have little or no sleep for five days are rare. During those rare periods we may sleep in brief naps of a half minute or so, or maybe longer naps of five minutes but these naps are infrequent and the total sleep we were able to get during the previous long episode had been about two to three hours sleep spread over six days and five nights.

This last sleepless stretch lasted five days and four nights; when we gave up trying to sleep and finally arose on the fifth day we were different again. This change was not so dramatic a change as the change we experienced last year when Madrigal cleaned out our aura and chakras and triggered a powerful kundalini awakening within us. We had not lost much sleep before that transformation, just a few typically restless nights where we slept only two or so, rather than the four to six hours we usually hope to sleep.

But yesterday we were changed again. Our dramatic changes are typically good changes and we become happier and feel healthier as a result. This change was not as powerful as some changes we have experienced, but perhaps it will be enough.

We had become very depressed again. A month ago we had been chronically suicidal for two months, but the intervention of Emily, Caz and Pol helped turn that around a bit. We had found a community online where we learned more about being multiple and that helped us to open up communication among ourselves. With the advent of Emily, Caz and Pol we felt less lonely and this helped to abate our depression.

New people keep turning up now. Sometime we get only the vaguest hint of the presence of someone we aren’t sure we are familiar with, but lately we have been getting much stronger impressions including images and names and dialogue, which were rare experiences before.

We talk more among ourselves now. It is nice, much more pleasant than feeling alone all the time. Not as good as being able to hold a flesh and blood lover in our arms, but it has been far better than feeling perpetually alone and isolated. They remind us we have never really been alone, and that our perceptions of being alone are caused by our minds rather than by our circumstances which is peculiar because we might have said it was the other way around.

But we are right of course, it is our minds which create the realities we experience, and the absence of people with bodies other than our own in our lives is a manifestation of our how we feel and what we think or believe. So changing how we feel and think and what we believe is may be a key to manifesting a life in which we may make new friends with other embodied spirits and perhaps even find new lovers.

Our pain is still bad. It began flaring up about two weeks before becoming acute last Sunday. But, while the pain is still quite acute, our attitude toward the pain has improved again. It is has become more tolerable once more. The other pain, the emotional pain and loneliness are still very bad as well, but again, our attitude has improved in regard to these pains and we are not suffering from any of the pain the way were this past Wednesday or earlier this past week.

Such changes in our attitudes seem like small changes, yet these seemingly small changes have such deep impacts. So we are moving back onto track with our wellness program after a stretch of very poor performance. Two weeks ago when we weighed in we had gained about ten pounds over the previous six or eight weeks. Last week our weigh-in showed a twenty pound gain. Today our weigh-in was down to eleven pounds gained back. However, we had noticed this morning before weighing in that a lot of recent water retention had been lost, so we feel lucky that the extra gain had been mostly water.

We are considering changing our diet along lines recommended by our sister who has made remarkable changes in her own health through her diet. She has suggested that we not eat any dairy (which we knew but have been obstinate about giving up cheese), and also to cut out wheat, rice and other grains or glutinous foods. We have heard this sort of suggestion before, and we did get to notice recently that wheat does play a role similar to dairy by producing mucus, so perhaps we will find a way to give up the grains and dairy. We are considering lentils or dhal instead of rice with our curry as one possible change; we tried salsa with our fried eggs instead of toast and cheese this past Thursday.

The mucus is an issue because our sinuses are chronically flooded and infected. This causes a perpetual post-nasal drip which leads to throat and chest infections and often pneumonias. We have been out of the gym sick about five or six weeks this year, and the gym is a critical part of our wellness program. So, if we can clear up the chronic sinus infection which has been a serious problem for fifteen years or more, we may be able to recover a good deal of our health, particularly our breathing and voice should improve.

It is painful to breath; as a consequence we have gotten in the habit of not breathing as deeply or as frequently as we should. We habitually stop breathing frequently throughout the day and at night if we are sleeping. Yesterday we were able to attend a voice conference featuring Deepak Chopra, and Deepak really drove home the importance of improving the quality of our breathing. Our sister had brought it up Sunday. Our friend Linda at the gym also brought it up recently. Linda and Gail at work have both brought it up; so many people have brought up the importance of breathing recently, and yet it has been a message we have been reluctant to listen to because breathing is so deeply associated with pain that we want to avoid it.

So now we need to focus on our breathing and learn to breathe well. We feel the pain in our upper respiratory tracts when we try to breathe deeply. It is a combination of pains. There is a pinching feeling where the tight air passages are restricting the flow of air, and then there is the muscular pain from tension that is causing the airways to be restricted. Then there is an emotional pain tied to the tension which emerges if we try to relax.

So we need to relax our chest muscles to relieve our tension and the airway constrictions that inhibit our healthy breathing. Not an easy task to undertake after a lifetime of habitually breathing shallowly and infrequently, particularly as this seems to stir up our emotional pain.

Also, we need to work on our posture more. We were doing well with it until recently, when our hips began hurting very badly again. With the pain in our hips much worse now we have been slouching in our chair more which somewhat relieves our hip pains. However, our slouching causes more back pain and we can feel the deformation to our spine that has been accruing with the chronic slouching we have been doing lately. Our back pain feeds into the tension that inhibits our breathing, so reducing our back pain is important, even if it means tolerating more pain in our hips. Having written this just now we are inspired to wonder whether our efforts to improve our posture may have contributed to the increased pain in our hips.

This all becomes a sort of catch twenty-two then. So we need to find ways to break our cycles of increasingly debilitating behavior and find new ways to cope with our pain.

We feel like crying now.

We hurt so much, and yet these physical pains are so minor in comparison to our emotional pains. The sadness and loneliness seem so overwhelmingly unbearable at times, yet there are no choices, we must go on, furthermore we must fix things, quickly.

Whatever else is going on in our lives?

Well aside from our divorce which will be finished in July, we are likely to be without a job or medical insurance before long. Our layoff is approaching and it will probably happen this year or early next year at the latest. We need to have resolved as many issues with our health as possible by then because we do not think we can afford to take another job when this job ends. Our time is too precious to waste it in a job. We must make our writing and arts our only paid work. We are compelled to do this, and the universe is clearly trying to arrange things so that this is all we have to do. But it hurts so much to even think about it that we just want to cry.

Our writer’s block is a big huge wad of pain, a wad of pain that is more than ten billion souls deep by some seventy years wide. In fifty five years there will be nearly ten billion living human bodies inhabiting the Earth. We will begin to die in unprecedented numbers then. By the year 2076 or so there will be scarcely six billion of us left alive. Those who believe they are doomed then choose to ensure that their enemies will perish with them; at that time, nearly everyone still alive then will die in a global kinetic, nuclear, biological, chemical war (KNBC).

The few survivors of that war failed to live much longer after the war because the world had then become too ruined to support them. The souls of those who perish in that future world of ours cry out to be saved and we cannot stop our mind from hearing their cries. We cannot turn back from the agreement we made to help prevent that terrible future from manifesting.

And perhaps, really, there is no preventing that terrible future since it has already happened.

But perhaps those of us in this world who will be alive then need not experience it. Perhaps it will be enough to know that one Earth among all the many infinite Earths will not die that way if we can work together to manifest a better future.

It will have to be enough.

Perhaps by turning this world aside from that fate the despairing tortured voices of the dead and dying which are tormenting us will finally be quieted and they can then be helped to find peace and to find new lives to return to. Ah, we know it will be so for them; it is just that the moment of their terror and anguish still shouts out so loudly for someone to save them.

We were trained to help them. We will be there to help them. We will sooth their fears and relieve their pain. We will wash away the memories which are too difficult for them to bear. We will help awaken them to their divine consciousness and we will show them the options which they had temporarily forgotten. We will open the way for them to return to their lives and carry on in an alternate world where their doom may not yet fall upon them. We will open the way for them to incarnate in different lives if they prefer, lives lived in other times and places and circumstances. We will rejoice when there are those among them who chose to linger awhile to help us with our work among them. We will then know the comfort of brother and sister souls committed to our common purpose, to restore to life all that has perished in the terrible catastrophes which destroyed our world then.

Until then, we must write. We must finish telling all of the tales we have been given to share with you. Tales that will help inform you and your children and your children’s children so that together we may all make better choices, choices that will help unite us for a common purpose to manifest a world that will survive our foolishness and turn aside from our extinction.

So it is a good thing that today we are somehow different, that today we have a little more strength and can renew our dedication to our purpose. And who knows? Perhaps today we can also create more joy and love and tenderness in our lives. Perhaps tomorrow we may be even more different somehow, so that we may become even better than today.