Moving on...

Dear friends,

Our blog has migrated again...

Please visit our aging blog on Temple Illuminatus,

or visit our blog on our new website:

This is our new site for Happy Face Coins :)

love, the Grigs,

aka Grigori Rho Gharveyn, Greg Gourdian, etc, et al...

Please read and share our story:

Our Future History, How the Earth Made Peace



Please Note:

NEW ! ! !
Hear us sing!
Get a Spiritual Reading!
Participate in our charitable project!

Please visit
Gharveyn's Google Pages!

New blogs and selected articles appear below the heading info at the top of our blog so if you clicked on a link to a specific blog on our site and you came here, you should find the blog you selected by paging down once or twice, or CLICK HERE for your selection or for our most recent blog...

Please also note, our index is broken. When you get the error message after selecting an article please backspace the last 9 characters from the URL in the address bar to carry on to the article requested. Thank you!

Questions, comments, looking for help?

You are welcome to comment, ask questions or request help directly by email. Our email is:

We have been neglecting our blog and we apologise if you tried to leave a comment that we failed to respond to. Comments are now turned off because there is no way to respond to those deserving a response if you have not included your contact info in your comment, and because the spider-bots keep dropping unwanted ads in the comment areas.

Our Articles and Blogs

Tuesday, December 25, 2007



We’ve only just met, and we may feel kinda forced together by default, as the only two people left alone in the crowd… But perhaps it’s kismet, fate, or our destiny to have met this way…

It’s no accident we do not seem to belong with anyone here. It’s not an accident that we were alone before meeting you.

Aaarghh… We are off on the wrong foot, we hate it when our thoughts have all run astray and we can’t reproduce the gems we experience away from our keyboard…. We were just lying in bed and talking to someone in our head, soeone we met in a nightclub or café or something… and we got to rambling on about things… important things about who we are and how we operate, trying to explain ourselves to someone we’ve only just met. We hit on several really good points about various aspects of our lives, ourselves; things we wanted to remember, now they are gone… That is so>>> frustrating!

We want to explain how we experience ourselves and other people. We have feelings of other people’s pain or pleasure or joy which we empathically pick up on that make us feel like a voyeur; we are aware of our own pain and how that must feel to other people; these feelings drive our urgent need to run away from people or to drive other people away from us….

We want to explain how we feel about ourselves, how sometimes we feel like a woman, and sometimes we feel like a man. We are mostly unaware of any clear or simple gender identity at all.

Sometimes we may feel a black person, or a Hispanic person, or an Asian person, or a Native American person, or an Indian person, but mostly we are aware of being a white person, or a Caucasian person, if you prefer; but we are mostly unaware of having any racial identity at all.

Sometimes we feel old, mostly we feel young, any true sense of our age identity is another element of our being we are scarcely aware of at all…

We have no tangible or definite identity that we can feel and say, “This is me”.

Some people may want to put us in a neat box; we are aware that we appear to present a consistent identity to other people when we speak with them, we feel that other people rarely see beyond the surface to all of our myriad different interiors… We know that we are partly responsible for maintaining an illusion of consistency and wholeness, an appearance of having an identity, but we also know that other people assist us in performing the social gymnastics that create this illusion of ourselves as single person out of all of the experiences of ourselves which we co-create with them.

We know we trigger the flight or fight responses in most of the people we meet.

We know it’s natural for people to want to reject us or run away from us because we present ourselves as a person so alien from what they are accustomed to experiencing that their root programming kicks in and urges them to distance themselves from us by any means possible.

We want to run away from people all the time, it’s hard for us to remain among other people, it’s a conscious choice we have to make and re-make all of the time; the choice to try to participate with other people socially rather than run away, the choice not to attack everyone and drive them all away from us.

These are human urges, these ‘flight or fight’ responses, but sometimes we do not feel human at all. We feel we can change our body parts, put on different arms or legs or sexual organs.

We often feel like we are a machine of some sort, and that it’s natural to be able to change our body configuration by putting on new parts.

Sometimes we feel we are a dragon, or a black jaguar, or a wolf howling in the night…

Sometimes we feel like we have a million arms, perhaps because we want to reach out in so many different directions all at once… Sometimes we feel as if we have no arms at all because we have no one to hold, and what use are arms that can hold no one?

We are in constant pain due to our loneliness, but we are in constant physical pain as well.

The pain in our body is immense at times; often it is more than we know how to cope with without completely shutting down, so not wanting to have a body at all is often very attractive.

Couple our physical pain with the pain of our loneliness and we most often just want to die, so sometimes we choose to kill ourselves.

Dying is one of our favorite experiences, particularly the joyful, loving part that comes after we have died; but this is also the part that causes us to change our minds and choose to allow ourselves to return to an iteration of this incarnation and continue living here once more…

After we die we can finally feel the love of our family and friends, the love of the people who now mourn for us and beg us to return to them once more. After we have died we are healed of all of our hurts and pains; we no longer feel alienated or isolated after we have died.

We feel good after we have died; except for the pain we have caused our family and friends by dying; that pain feels both good and bad. It feels good because after we have died we finally feel our connectedness to other people, but we feel bad after we have died because we are aware of how we have hurt the people who love us by killing ourselves.

So we always return from our death holidays and once more resurrect ourselves in an iteration of this incarnation and choose to go on living again, in spite of the pain. As we slip back into a fleshy garment of mortality we tend to forget our death experiences, we forget who we really are, we resume this incarnation’s experiences of feeling so deeply alienated and lonely that we just want to die.

All of our old pains and torments return when we return to this incarnation…

But we have now died so many times that our capacity to forget our death experiences has been overwhelmed; we can remember some of our deaths and some of the joyful experiences that have followed our deaths, we remember what is what is like after we have died, and how wonderful we felt before choosing to resume this life once more.

Unfortunately, death is not an all-paid holiday. It seems we must pay for each time we die.

We tend to lose everything we have, including family and friends… We seem to often wind up homeless with little more than the clothes on our back. Perhaps this is how the colloquialism “You can’t take it with you” really evolved… It seems as if there is so much to be lost… our artwork, our writings, our loved ones, our stuffed animals and other toys. We have gotten so tired of finding ourselves stripped down to nearly nothing. So we mostly fight the urge to kill ourselves, yet often, in the end, it seems we must die anyway.

Sometimes we see it as our responsibility to other people to choose to live, to avoid causing them to suffer when we die. We know we have left myriad worlds unpopulated by ourselves where we have died, and that the people remaining in those worlds who were our friends or family still mourn for us and miss us and wish we had not died…

So we choose to go on living in spite of how much we feel we just want to die.

Do we create those worlds in which we are dead when we choose to kill ourselves, or do those worlds already exist, and we have only migrated our consciousness into one of them in order to experience our death again? We used to believe we were creating those worlds and that because we were creating worlds in which we hurt people by killing ourselves that we should stop killing ourselves in order to cease hurting so many people.

Perhaps now we believe those worlds have always existed and that we could not prevent those worlds from existing. We are aware of those other worlds in which we chose to die; those worlds still exist now, even though we are living here in this world.

We cannot un-make the worlds in which we are dead. So if those worlds where we are dead have always been there and could not be unmade by our choice to live rather than to die, then what harm is there in killing ourselves once more? We are not really creating more suffering for our family or friends by choosing to experience our death once more, those people who are our family and friends and who suffer when we have died will suffer anyway.

This means it is really not for others that we need to choose whether we will live or die; it is really for ourselves that we must choose to live or to die.

We may not like it that we feel as if we may have caused others to suffer on our behalf by dying. We may feel as if we are obliged to live on behalf of our family and friends, but that is an illusion. Our choice to experience our death is not the actual cause of their suffering. Our deaths are as inevitable as our lives, a part of all that is, a part of creation that is neither made nor unmade by our choices.

We can choose to experience our death without creating our death. Our death has already been created and we are simply choosing to experience our death once more.

So perhaps there is no moral reason to choose to live. Perhaps it is not immoral to choose to die. There do appear to have been consequences when we have chosen to die in the past, and perhaps those apparent consequences will continue to appear to manifest. We may still lose all that we own when we return to this life, we may still break our relationships with people we love in ways that may never heal if we choose to experience our death and then return to an iteration of this life again, but perhaps there is no genuine moral weight or consequences that result when we choose to experience our death.

There appears to be no judgment made against us when we die. When we have died we are received in joy and love by everyone we know. We feel loved and whole and happy. We are free of the physical and emotional torments we experienced in this life. These seem to us like very good reasons to choose to experience our death.

Losing our worldly possessions and losing our tormented relationships with people we love seems a small price to pay in exchange for so much pleasure and joy.

Yet we still allow ourselves to be cajoled into returning to life. We permit ourselves to return to this painful incarnation. We choose to return. Why? Why choose to live in pain this way?

We have sometimes explained it as a moral responsibility to choose to live this life. We have sometimes explained it as a contractual responsibility to continue to live in this incarnation, but these are passive reasons; what is the active reason underlying these passive explanations?

Why do we really choose to live?

Perhaps it is for the joy of meeting someone new. Perhaps we choose to live for the unknown possibilities that cannot be experienced in any other manner. Perhaps we choose to live simply because we want to live, in spite of all the pain and suffering we experience.

We don’t know.

But we are
so>>> tired of this life again; so tired of our pain; so tired of our loneliness.

We know we have created our life to be this way, and yet we cannot understand what purpose we could possibly have for causing ourselves so much pain. Yet we do know that we have done this to ourselves, that we are the cause of our all of our pain, so we presume we must have had some purpose.

So here we are.

We know we will be here at some time in the future, saying these strange sorts of things, trying to explain what our life is like to you. We know we are programmed to try to drive you away from us if we have successfully denied all of our instinctive urges to run away from you.

We are afraid of the pain we will experience by meeting you, but we are here anyway. We are sad about the pain we may seem to cause you to experience, but we are here anyway.

Perhaps we can learn some other way to be, a way of being that does not require us to run away from you, a way of being which does not require us to drive you away from us.

We don’t know.

We are only testing the waters here. We know that somewhere along the way we will meet you and you will choose not to run away when we hurt you. You will choose not to drive us away from you in response to the pain you experience with us. Your choices will reflect our own choices in this manner, and then we may become friends or lovers.

We know many people have loved us in the past. We are often very sad that we have very rarely ever felt loved by them, but we remember we have experienced their efforts to love us.

We are often sad that we have most often never felt a part of our circles of family and friends, but we remember we have sometimes experienced the intentions of our family and friends to include us among them.

We wonder if it is like this for our family and friends as well. Do our friends or family only know we love them or have they genuinely felt our love? Do our family and friends feel included in our life, or do they only feel that we sometimes tolerate their presence?

We don’t know.

Perhaps it is a mélange and includes a bit of all of it…

There are so many different worlds, worlds of experiences that differ by tiny faint degrees. So yes, all of it is real, the tolerance and the inclusion, the love and the effort, and somewhere there are worlds where love is experienced universally, where inclusion is always experienced; and where our sense of isolation and despair seem never to have existed.

These are the worlds we can still hope to find among all of the myriad worlds we have known, wonderful worlds that include you in our love.