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Monday, July 31, 2006

Testing Love

Psychic Readers and Healers may want to add this valuable lesson to their toolkits. Testing someone’s love can be a trap that may ruin your relationship with them. Learn why this happens so that you may avoid this relationship pitfall and heal the damage such tests may have caused to you, or those whom you love.

I wanted to share one of the most common healings I have done with psychic readings.

Perhaps you have already read my poem "Emergency Broadcast" which closes with the lines:

My love,
do not test it.

These words were an echo of advice I found myself providing to my clients on a frequent basis.

Putting it bluntly, it is never good to test another person's love.

If I met a client who seemed to need advice on this subject I might introduce this issue to them by remarking that I see that they have faced some trials in their love life and that they have often doubted whether they are loved. The typical response is "yes".

I would continue by speculating that in order to know whether they are truly loved in their relationship that they have sometimes tried to test their partner's love. Again, the typical reply is "yes".

I go on to say that it has seemed necessary to test their partner's love more frequently because no matter how well they may try to test their partner's love, they always wind up deeper in doubt. They may even wind up convincing themselves that they are not loved as well by their partner as they believe that they, in turn, love their partner. Too often the reply to this remark is also "yes".

If the client contradicts me at this point I examine the truthfulness of their assertion carefully, usually they are correct and they have already learned the harm that results from testing their partner's love. I suggest that they have learned this lesson and wait to make sure that they can reiterate the lesson in their own words. If they can’t then I proceed with my own explanation as if they had responded "yes" to make sure that they receive this valuable lesson which may often be needed by those who test their partner's love.

The lesson then goes something as follows:

When you test a person's love you do many kinds of harm, harm to yourself, harm to your partner, and harm to your relationship with your partner. You may also harm children, family or friends if your tests have poor results that they may be disturbed by.

The harm you do to your partner is that any test of love is a form of manipulation; no matter how well we may love someone we all resent being manipulated. So if your partner knows they are being tested, then they will feel resentment, possibly even anger. If they are resentful or angry they may be inclined to deliberately fail your test to show you that they will not be manipulated. You lose because they failed your test. If they choose to pass your test by doing whatever it is you have manipulated them into doing then resentment and anger may fester and grow in their relationship with you. They cannot feel good about giving in to what you wanted because you tricked it out of them rather than allowing them to demonstrate their love to you by their own initiative and inspirations.

If your partner does not know they are being tested, they may acquiesce and give you what you want or they may not have understood what you want. If they failed to understand what you want or even that you did want something they have failed your test and you feel hurt. If they recognized you wanted something and complied with your wishes, they were manipulated by you. You know that whatever they gave you or did for you really didn't come from their spontaneous love for you. You know, instead, that you tricked them into giving you something you probably cannot even appreciate because you may feel guilty about how you got it.

This is the damage you do to yourself: aside from losing the spontaneity of your partner's love for you, you inspire guilt within yourself. It doesn't matter if you deserved whatever you manipulated your partner into doing for you or giving you, you are guilty of manipulating. You know manipulating is wrong and that part of yourself which can be true with you in your heart will inspire regret and guilt for what you have done.

If we examine the possible results we see that nearly anything that happens as a result of testing your partner's love has a negative effect on both you and your partner, thereby damaging your relationship with your partner as well as hurting your partner and hurting yourself.

As a consequence your anxiety regarding your relationship with your partner is increased by testing them. Subsequently you feel more insecure in the relationship and yet, ironically, it was your insecurity in the relationship that inspired you to test your partner's love in the first place. As your insecurity gets worse your need to test your partner's love increases and you may test them more often or your tests may become more demanding and difficult for your partner to comply with or to or cope with.

This is a vicious cycle with no way out until you stop testing and give your partner time to drop all the defenses they have built up as a result of your testing. Once they no longer feel they are being manipulated they may become freer to be more expressive of their love for you in their own ways upon their own initiative. It may take time, it may only happen slowly. You may not like all the gifts they select for you or all the things they may try to do for you. But at least now they are trying on their own initiative to please you, and that is a far greater reward than the tokens of gifts or special behavior that are offered to you to represent their love for you.

This cycle of testing became apparent early on in my reading career and I was at first surprised how prevalent it is. But on reflection, the mechanism driving it is insecurity and we all have self doubts and feel insecure from time to time. It is important that we respond to our self doubts and insecurity by giving ourselves affirmations rather than trying to manipulate others to give us the positive reinforcement we believe we need.

The more our self worth shines through, the more others will naturally appreciate us for who and what we are; then we will know the comfort of their love and kindness on a daily basis which underscores our success in learning to love ourselves better and in learning to accept and love our partners with unconditional love.

Advice to someone whose love is being tested:

If your loved one often tests your love for them in ways that leave you feeling manipulated by them and out of sorts with them then try taking the initiative. Your partner is feeling insecure and they can only make themselves feel more insecure by testing you; even if you do everything they want or ask they may still become more insecure. By taking the initiative to demonstrate your love for them in your own fashion you will begin to ease their anxiety and replace their insecurities with feelings of contentment and joy.

So many people got this lesson once I had made the explanation that I could often see a change in them immediately or by the next time they came over to see me or just passed by. I hope that this lesson has made sense to you as well, and that it may be added to your toolkit of healing so that this message grows and grows until it comes back to us all full circle and the whole world has learned to love wholeheartedly and unconditionally.