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Wednesday, July 05, 2006

Death Wish

This past Sunday was one of those days in which I would surely like to have died. It was very tempting.
Back in the days when I was first testing my immortality I died quite frequently.
It was easier to die brashly back then.
But death is painful, too painful for me to want to experience it again any time soon.
When I was younger, exploring death, it was a rush to come back to life each time I died. The interim between lives was part torment and part ecstasy. But over time the ecstatic release from my life grew less pleasurable, while the torment of my serial deaths grew worse.
I have had many different deaths, some deaths I brought upon myself in a deliberate manner. Other deaths were more in the nature of accidents, although from a spiritual point of view nothing is ever accidental. Some of my deaths were in cataclysms such as nuclear wars.
The ecstatic part of death comes in the brief moment when I have been able to acknowledge my pain and all the wrong words or actions that pain is built upon, this is when I may forgive myself for my mistakes.
That’s a tough thing to do. I can hardly ever admit to being wrong, I am far too stubborn that way.
By my own choices I am one of those spirits who, when they die, is likely to consign themselves to limbo, to a suspended state of existence in a sort of purgatory, in spite of how unpleasant it can be.
My stubbornness could confine me in limbo forever; there are more than enough eternities for me to spend many of them trapped in a purgatory sort of existence.
Eternity is no longer than a single moment in the spiritual world, and yet it can literally take forever to experience an eternity.
Not pleasant.
In that state of existence between lives when we are completely ungrounded by our life on Earth we are unable to participate in the larger spiritual world from which we all of our incarnations originate until we have examined ourselves and acknowledged all of our faults and misdeeds. Until then we exist in an empty place where we may encounter no one but ourselves.
Our life on Earth leaves us tainted; until we have cleansed ourselves of this taint we are only fit to commune with other unclean spirits.
But, it is the purpose of this purgatory state of existence to help us to release the sickness within ourselves, which is how purgatory got its name, from ‘to purge’ as in vomit up. And in some ways the best environment to facilitate this purging is one where we are alone with ourselves.
Our issues in limbo are never about other people or things that happened to us for which we might feel we are victims. Our issues are solely about our own choices and actions and how we have hurt ourselves in the process of making too many bad decisions; by speaking or acting badly.
Now I know all this, but I still don't have my act together. I still make bad choices and hurt myself or other people with my actions. A person would have to be a saint to avoid such errors. But say, weren’t a lot of saints crucified?
Hmm, maybe even saints sometimes act in ways that will ultimately hurt them.
Anyway, I am no saint, just a spirit who is still learning how to live. And this past Sunday was just another of those days when I might really rather have died.
There is an eternal world where our spirits live forever. We are always living in this eternal world, even during all of our incarnations on Earth and other worlds. The eternal world of the spirit is very refreshing. I can see with perfect twenty-twenty hindsight from that eternal perspective, so I can laugh at all my errors and see how I had set myself up for all the problems I had to endure in whichever of my incarnations I might contemplate.
The rush of death comes after acknowledging all of my errors and misdeeds; in the moment before I return to life I experience the eternal spirit world in all of its infinite variety.
In that brief eternal moment in the spirit world I get to experience my personal spiritual evolution from my creation to all the many infinite ways my spirit will continue to wander through my successive resurrected lives and myriad other incarnations as well as through the eternal spirit world.
This reifying moment can make dying seem worthwhile.
But death will never deliver me from my problems in life. I may drastically change the circumstances of my life in my next resurrection or incarnation, but I cannot escape the problems which arise from my karma.
However, with enough repetition of the same mistakes I may eventually learn to anticipate those moments when my judgment might fail me and lead me to choose the wrong thing to do. As I become more and more familiar with the mistakes I am most prone to make I may finally have a moment when I will transcend my faulty behavior and find a better way to continue my life.
Suicide is one of those things which I have learned it is not a good option to choose. In many of my deaths my return to life has picked up pretty much where it left off, with scarcely any change at all, except that my last fatal moment on Earth was recreated to be only a close call or a near-death experience.
But with suicide the pain my family and friends feel for my loss is far worse than had I died by accident, illness or misadventure. This alone should be reason enough to choose not to commit suicide.
Of course, in a suicidal state of mind there is often an element of vengeance where my death is meant to hurt the people I leave behind.
There is another dark aspect to suicide. After every suicide I have always found myself in even worse circumstances than were the circumstances which I was trying to escape. I have several times wound up homeless with little more than the clothes on my back.
When I kill myself it is a statement that I no longer value my life so everything in my life which I might have valued may be stripped away from me in the life I return to. This makes suicide a less appealing option than it might otherwise appear to be.
One of the lessons of life appears to be to never give up. So when there are times when I might want to throw in the towel, such as this past Sunday, it is important to remember the consequences that follow suicide and to choose to persevere no matter how terrible I may feel or how hopeless everything may seem to be.
I am no longer cavalier about losing my life. I still do not value my life as highly as I should, but I take fewer chances with my life than I once did.
I used to revel in my deaths even though they were often horrible things and my family and friends would always be hurt. I reveled in my deaths because there is a strange and wondrous alteration of my senses that occurs as I am about to die.
This transformation was something I became addicted to; driving me to seek death for the thrill of it.
Time slows down when I am about to die. I become dissociated from my pain so that feeling my tissues tear and my bones break is more ecstatic than awful.
The part of me that has subconsciously engineered my death is wild with excitement and a sense of overwhelming satisfaction. I know that I am about to embrace the infinite once more, and the anticipation of that moment is another form of ecstasy.
But I no longer revel in my deaths. Death is only a brief transitory escape from my life, an escape so fleeting as to hardly seem worth pursuing anymore.
The pain of death lingers on forever, because with each death a world is left in which my family and friends mourn for me. Even though I may return to my family and friends resurrected in a serial continuation of the life in which I died my family and friends are cheated because they are still made to suffer losing me in worlds where I remain dead.
If the pain of my family and friends is not reason enough to avoid death, there is also the penury that often follows on death’s heels which might urge me to be more cautious with my life.
But on days like this past Sunday it still feels very enticing to just walk away from everything and leave it all behind.
It can be a real struggle to carry on in the face of my loneliness, anger and remorse.
So I still find that I often wish to die.
I am not comforted by the knowledge that I will continue to return to this life until my mission in this life can be accomplished. Perhaps this death wish will be the ultimate spur to cure me of that horrid old foe called ‘writer’s block’.
I can only hope that if I fulfill all of the compulsions set upon me that I may finally move on from this life to some other incarnation.
My compulsions are many.
My primary compulsion is to change the future before it can come to pass once again. I am dreadfully tired of all the many ways I have died in serial lives in the event nexus focused on the year 2076.
I want a very different future for this world, one in which we will no longer utterly destroy ourselves.
Perhaps you will begin to see for yourself the future I have tried to describe.
Perhaps if enough people see it, then in time we make the correct choices, choices that may guide us away form our self-made doom to a peaceful future in a sustainable global infrastructure.
Nearly four billion people died in the years 2064 to 2076.
In 2076 another four billion people died; well over a billion people were spared in that final cataclysm, but these all died in the few brief years that followed.
You, your children or grandchildren may have been among those who died then.
Mankind became extinct.

See you in eternity