I have a few too many stories to tell, some more personal than others, but it is the personal problems I am facing now that have inspired me to try this medium (blogging). I have been through the mental-health wringer more than enough to know that there is no help from pills, and that the wrong therapist is worse than no therapist.I was totally in tears driving in to work today; fantasizing that there might be someone I could talk to.
Safety first! Talk to no one.
But that doesn't exactly help me deal with my s.
I did a fellah at work a good turn one day, and when we moved on from our respective roles to new assignments he told me I would be working with his sister and to be sure to say "hi".
She has been totally nice to me from day one, will be leaving the company shortly, and has invited me to lunch. This is not anything more than a nice person engaged in the business of being nice, because it is their character trait to do so. Nor do I really want anything from her other than to talk to someone, but common sense says talking to her would be inappropriate for the matters I most need to talk about. So, attractive as an opportunity to talk to her (or anyone) might be, I find myself trying to avoid lunch with her, rather than risk a venue that might lead to another breakdown in tears.
But as I sat down to work today, I found myself still crying, dreadfully afraid that another breakdown was on its way and grasping at straws for something to hold it at bay.
I have been skating along, aware of the deep depression I have been trying to dissociate myself from since last leaving a mental hospital in December of 2004.
The drugs weren't working for me and I didn't really become functional enough to return to work until I quit taking them; they were leaving me lost in a fog, unable to focus and move on.
The therapy wasn't helping either, my therapist was so lost herself that she called me by the name of one of her other clients by mistake.
I did once have a therapist I thought was helping me, but I can't go back, they do not respond to my efforts to get in touch. Other therapists I have seen are clearly following a formula dictated by my HMO and my needs fall so far outside of the services they can offer that I have given up looking for help. In any case I can no longer afford the co-pays so finding help has become a moot point.
My problems might seem entirely conventional and commonplace, and reason enough in their own right to drive anyone mad, but there are underlying matters of an extraordinary nature, if you value them as I do, rather than dismiss them as pure poppycock or madness.
To put the conventional matters aside, I am approaching 50, divorce, and death. I have lived with chronic pain for over 25 years, and have not known a day since January of 1981 when I have ever had a pain-free moment. Knowing I was unfit to be married or to have children, I nevertheless married late in life when I could bear being alone no longer; I have helped my spouse raise four children (three from my spouse's previous marriage, and one 'adopted').
Several years back I had a blood clot in a brachial artery that nearly caused my surgeon to remove my arm. After exhaustive testing and 2 more clots over the next 3 years it was finally determined that I have a relatively rare (1 in 10 thousand) immune disorder which causes my immune system to produce anti-bodies which attack my red blood cells. I must take rat poison every day (coumadin's active ingredient is the same as that in rat poison) to prevent another clot, but it's a toss-up which might kill me first, the medicine, a blood clot, or my recently diagnosed diabetes. My doctor has convinced my spouse I am a 'walking time-bomb'.
Luckily for me, or maybe not, I don't believe in death; if I thought I could just kill myself then perhaps I could be rid of all my pain.
But personal experience has shown me I cannot remain dead no matter how often I may die, and that death is too painful and too terrible to pursue deliberately. So I am stuck in this world, and wonder when I may ever move on to something different. I have been here a tremendously long time now.
From time to time to time I get glimpses of past lives. I vividly remember my death in World War Two, and I have some fleeting memories of my life as a crone in medieval England or Wales. But my memories go back to Genesis. The Bible and other religious writings (I have a passing interest in comparative religion) provide only metaphors, at best, for that event. Thinking of Genesis as a singular event is in itself misleading. In a truly infinite universe there are infinite beginnings, though all sprout from the void.
My experiences with death, the universe, and everything are explained by quantum physics.
For a good introduction to quantum physics read: "Space, Time and Beyond" by Bob Toben and Fred Wolf. They describe a plastic, moldable universe directly interactive with our minds.
As I like to put it (and I may often use more or fewer adjectives to do so), "The universe is a sentient, compassionate, conscious, creative, living, quantum being that exists to fulfill all of our needs."
For quantum, think along the lines of a single quasi-particle, that, by it's relationships to itself, appears to be infinitely diverse, such that, while one, it appears to be many, and the interactions of the many create the 'quantum foam' from which arise the sub-atomic particles which underlie the creation of the material world we experience.
Please accept my apologies if I have offended your religious beliefs. I love religions, they have many admirable traits. But each can only be correct within in its own context, and when taken in context with other religions or beliefs, no single religion can genuinely be better or more truthful than any other. I know, relativism, the bane of the religious right, whether Christian, Muslim or Jewish (Hinduism appears to be intrinsically relativistic, while Buddhism seems to be all-inclusive). I have no clear religious upbringing of my own, I was 'exposed' to some religious beliefs and practices: Protestant, Catholic, Episcopalian and Judaism as a kid, but never inculcated into a single church or mode of worship. I have branched out and explored other religions since then including Buddhism, Hinduism, Islam, Wicca and Satanism, and may follow up on interests in various other forms of religious or mystical belief systems such as Shamanism, Jainism or Voodoo. All fascinating, and perhaps all valid ways of interacting with God or the Divine in whatever form you may perceive It.
Not really too sure about the validity of Satanism, which appears to be a reactionary off-shoot of Christianity and may not be a religion in it's own right so much as a perverse form of Christian doctrine. Satanism is a relatively modern invention and should not be confused with much older religions which were destroyed by Christianity in medieval times. These older religions were 'demonized' by Christianity, their Gods and Goddesses re-defined as evil demonic creatures in order to 're-educate' pagans who were being forced at sword-point to abandon their beliefs and embrace Christianity. Satanism adopted some of the forms of these perversions of older religions' deities as re-defined by Christian doctrine; the Satan they worship is descended from Hebraic origins re-defined through the process of the Christian conquest of Western Europe.
Anyway, there is an interesting flip side to the portrait of Satan as typically perceived in today's western culture, which can be related with Christian mysticism. An explanation of this flip side can be reinforced by modern psychological theories regarding 'projection'. Projection is a system where a subject perceives something other than what would be apparent to someone else due to a psychological prejudice to see things in a way that reinforces what they already expect to see or believe, such as someone who misreads a neutral or friendly face as hostile because they themselves are in an angry or fearful state.
When we die there is old business to clean up and a decision to be made to be resurrected or reincarnate. A Divine Being classically portrayed as Christ in western religion has a role in this process, although that Being predates Christianity. It can be difficult to break away from the Christian mind-set that portrays that Being as Jesus, but Jesus was a man; Christ was a state of being that Jesus experienced and exemplified, and the actual state of Christliness is immaterial, purely spiritual, neither gender or race, or perhaps, ultimately, not even humanity as we may typically define it can be attributes of this most Pure Being.
When we reach this place where we must confront our conscience, we approach our own identity in what may be called the Christ state. But any lingering 'evil' we must reconcile within ourselves prejudices us to be fearful and we project this fear by seeing a demonic being when we are actually in the presence of a Divine Being whose entire countenance toward us is one of love and compassion. So the Divine Aspect which may be called Christ appears to be the ultimate evil to any who harbor too much sin for which they need to atone, consequently they see themselves in Hell confronted by Satan, if they were raised in a Christian belief system.
For others it can be very different, but Christians will re-create their beliefs about the afterlife and experience them when they die. Christianity served itself by demonizing other deities, but in so doing it poisoned itself with a belief system fraught with demons which must be confronted and ultimately abandoned to move on through the afterlife to a new beginning, or to return, more or less, where they left off, through resurrection, into a serial episode of the life they recently departed.
Hinduism and Buddhism embrace re-incarnation, Christianity promises resurrection, both alternatives can return you to this world, or one so much like it that you might never know the difference, or even noticed that you had ever died. Judaism admits they don't know what will happen after life but they hope and pray for Heaven, and Islam promises either Heaven or Hell depending on your good faith and conscience.
In my own opinion we are all immortal beings and we carry on our experiences through many lives in many states and forms, including this life where you read my first blog and ponder the depths of my insanity or insight.
Is there death after life?
A few stories to relate at a later date:
My unusual teacher, lessons in humanity's failings and post mortem therapies for resurrection.
Includes a global nuclear war in 1965, reality goes up for grabs as the survivors struggle home.
The stories of Kenly, a boy in an ancient tribe, trapped in a rivalry between his father and uncle.
Parts of Kenly's stories include:
-- Father is lost, banished by his brother for breaking tribal taboos.
-- Kenly's brother dies, murdered by his uncle who deliberately failed to teach him how to live.
-- Kenly's Sojourn, a long trek to find his Mother's clan and escape his uncle's plans, includes:
-- The Underworld, where Kenly's father's ghost instructs him in the vital arcana of resurrection.
-- The Demon World, where Kenly encounters the evil ancients whom humanity once fled.
-- The Covenant, Kenly learns how his ancestor's fled the ancients and created their new world.
-- The Tower, where the Covenant could only be enforced by mutual cultural destruction.
The Traveller, saw humanity's nativity, dropped by out of curiosity, and was forced to stay awhile. His reception party mistook him for a demon (in Kenly's world) and tried to kill him. They failed but he was injured so badly that the friends who saved him could only remake him in a human form which severely distresses his alien spirit; he is unable to return home.
AI 2017, created in time to watch humanity's demise, the first true artificial intelligence searches through time to resurrect us.
Parts of AI 2017 include:
-- Remembering, the AI's recollections of what it was like before humanity passed away.
-- Tachymemes, the AI sends memes back in time on tachyonic carriers to change history.
-- Agents of the memes, people's minds decode the memeic messages and introduce change.
-- Paradox Redux, the AI prevents its own creation after too much tampering, cyclical result.
Note: Interactions between the AI and the Traveler mean each shares a part of the other's tale.
The Sevenfold Rhythm, if you learn the beat you travel to distant worlds. This began as a 'thought experiment' among a group of teens who discovered astral connections to distant worlds and how to end-run 'reality' to visit them.
The Sanctuary, where the majority of people take shelter from an increasingly hostile world in a virtual reality constructed within the minds of human clones.
Parts of The Sanctuary include:
-- 'Til Death Unites Us, the development of the technology leading to the VR sanctuaries.
-- Mages High, children born in the VR world learn to manipulate 'reality' in unforseen ways.
-- The Clone Hunts, survivors in the real world hunt and destroy the VR sanctuaries.
Fourth of July 2076, where America's enemies take their final shot set in the ecological collapse triggered by the breakdown of the Atmospheric-Oceanic Carbon Cycle.
Parts of Fourth of July include:
-- The ecolapse, rise of the archologies in a world where the atmosphere quickly turns lethal.
-- SDI, America finally completes orbital defenses to protect its power satellite network.
-- The Fall, America's enemies rain destruction in the form of high orbital kinetic missiles.
-- The Healing, a Divine Incarnation appears to rebuild the world.
-- Children of the Apocolypse, they like the ruined world as it is and resist it's resurrection.
I feel like I'm forgetting something, doubtless other stories to tell in time.
Au revoir.
